Where is Apple Valley?

Ever been to Apple Valley, Utah? I'm guessing no. I don't know why anyone would want to go there. I had no reason to either, at least I didn't until an anonymous tip suggested that there are good burgers there. If that photo looks like Chevron out in the middle of the desert, it is. That is also where the supposed 'amazing burgers' are made. . .


Apple valley is the only real stop between the red desert in Hurricane and the polygamists in Colorado City. It has a population of about 700 people and only has one gas station, one restaurant, and one grocery store. Oh and all three of those places inhabit one roof. Oh and actually it's more of a gas station that sells milk in gallon jugs that also has a burger grill tucked in the corner.

 The town is so small the people just drive their four wheelers to 'the store'. (look in the photo real close if you don't believe me).
There was no one in the place but the two young girls who were manning the cash register when we entered the place and headed toward the corner with the grill in it. One of the girls left her post, put on an apron and fired up the grill when she saw us eyeing the menu. The menu was awesome, it was awesome enough to take a picture of.

Notice a theme on the menu? All their dishes are named after some sort of gun or caliber. My kind of restaurant! I ordered the Daringer with side of 22 calibers, which in layman's terms means a bacon cheeseburger with fries. Then she gave me a ticket and told me I could pay the other girl for it at the cash register along with any gas I pumped. Again, my kind of place.
What attracted me to this place in the first place was that someone told me about a friend of theirs who lived in St. George who had a monthly ritual in which he would drive 32 miles out of his way to Little Creek Food Court in Apple Valley, eat his favorite burger and then drive back the way he came and get his hair cut at his favorite barber shop in Hurricane. I figured the burgers must be good after hearing that story. Turns out that Mr. haircut guy was right, for a weird gas station/burger joint, they make a tasty burger.

Their burgers are about what you would expect at a place like this. Simple and greasy. But aint nothin' wrong with that. A very good burger. Look at that photo that's real meat, real bread, real bacon and real cheddar cheese. No one uses real cheese any more.
This is tough though, I really want to encourage all of you to go try their burgers but I am positive that 95% of you will have no reason to go to Apple Valley because it is out in the sticks, literally. That is unless you're thinking of converting to polygamy, I won't judge. Because if you are, hit this place up on your way to Colorado City. Or if you are headed to St. George and you have some free time, Apple Valley would be a worthwhile excursion. Any suggestions where I should go next? There's nowhere I won't go. Ok, that's not true but if I'm willing to go to bizarre off-the-map places like Apple Valley, your chances are pretty good.

The Black Bear

My wife and I spent a week in southern Utah and made the most of it by eating burgers almost every night. Bless my beautiful wife, she is sick to death of burgers now. I don't really blame her, I understand that not everyone is as passionate about burgers as I am. It has gotten to the point that when we go out to eat she  makes sure that she orders the most non-burgery thing on the menu. Her loss as far as I'm concerned, but luckily for me I'm not so easily bored. Every burger I try is different and I see it as a new opportunity and usually I enjoy every one I try. Obviously there are some that are better than others. Why else would we be here talking about this? Anyway, after eating what seemed like dozens of burgers we went home to Salt Lake and I promised my wife, I took her lovely face in my strong manly yet gentle hands and I looked deep into her eyes and said "My love, I promise to take a break from burgers for a while."

Mr. Universe (aka the man upstairs) had other plans. At least I see it as divine intervention. Minutes after assuring my wife that I would abstain from burger my parents were calling, inviting us to dinner at a new place they had found that made great comfort food. Black Bear Cafe. We couldn't say no.
Silently I promised myself that out of respect for my wife I would keep my promise and order something other than a burger. But again, Mr. Universe intervened, He had other plans. I had chosen pancakes, but then I decided that I could at least take the tiniest of peeks at the burger section of the menu. Lo and behold it came to pass that thus the menu containeth a bacon and cheese stuffed (STUFFED) burger. It was then I looked at my wife and said, "Forgive me, I am weak."
Sadly, after all of that the burger was just ok. A little bit of false advertising if you ask me. It wasn't so much stuffed as it was just two patties laid on top of each other with bacon and cheese in between them on a bun that looked like Walmart special quality. I expected more, much more.

The dinner wasn't a complete bust however. My wife couldn't finish her pancakes so I took them off her hands. They were delicious! Their pancakes taste like . . . cake. I definitely should have stuck with my original choice. Thick fluffy cakes cooked on a pan to perfection. Seriously folks, go to Black Bear Cafe, skip the burger and get their pancakes and you will avoid being disappointed like I was.
It must not have been divine intervention that prompted me to order a burger. But if that's true, then who has been prompting me to go eat burgers? . . . Could this very blog be a creation of that fallen star Lucifer himself, with me as his messenger?
Regardless I am too far gone, there is no saving me at this point. If burgers are wrong I don't want to be right.
               

Oscar's

Just outside the entrance to Zions National Park is a very small town called Springdale. The occupants of said town appear be a hybrid of hippies and yuppies, let's just call them hyippies. Also, I don't know how this is relevant and I'm not sure if it's a deterrent or an incentive but from what I saw the women in Springdale don't wear underwear, though I'm not sure the men do either. I'm not really sure how our group knew this but we all came to this same conclusion. For some reason it seemed weird that they didn't wear underwear even in the heat, I don't blame them really, I would probably do the same if I lived in the scalding heat, but it was a distraction nonetheless. Good or bad I don't know. Take that for what it's worth. Anyway, in this town full of hyippies is a small restaurant called Oscar's that is violently loved by its customers. Everyone who loves Oscar's LOOOOOOVES Oscars and after my first visit I can see why. Oscar's make enormous portions of delectable food.
My wife and I double-dated with friends of ours, Ben & Tiffany. When I arrived I asked to be seated inside to get out of the 115 degree heat that comes with the summers at Zion National Park only to realize that either the AC wasn't working properly or so many people were packed in the place that the combined body heat was too much for the AC to handle. But it's funny how when you're with good people and eating good food how you just kind of get used to the heat and forget it. Either that or dehydration and heat stroke had kicked in.

Look at this burger, look at it. seriously take a minute. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Isn't it beautiful? I ordered the Big Ass Murder Burger. That is the actual name, it is fitting and appropriate. It's a one pound burger (yes, one pound) on a homemade bun with all the trimmings including bacon and excluding pickles. I was so excited to eat the thing that I had to forgive my friends who, for now, are still my friends even though Ben ordered the Whoop Ass Burger with pineapple (yuck) and Tiffany ordered the bacon cheeseburger (AKA murder burger) without the bacon . . . . I know, I don't understand it either. I have weird friends. While I was busy disowning them and cursing their unborn children the waitress left and I missed the opportunity to ask her to give me Tiffany's bacon from her burger.
This burger had to be attacked, she was tough and she put up a big fight but in the end I won. In fact, I even had room to help my wife finish her rack of ribs. If I do anything well it is eating.
I was worried that Oscar's would only be a novelty location. A place that served lots of food that was 'just ok'. But I found that the food was very good as well as being served in large quantities. However, the big portions and delicious food come with a price tag to match.

The verdict? It was a very good burger. And it had better be at $16. It was more of an experience and a novelty than anything but it was very very good. The best I've ever had? No, but very good. I'm not sure where it would rank but it's up there. I'm not even sure it would qualify for my list really, I mean it was a one pound burger. . . .
So if you can stand the heat and are willing to wade through the sea of tourists and 'hanging-free' hyippies then go to Oscar's and try I Big Ass Burger for me.