Can I get that with extra pastrami?

Of all the condiments, pastrami has to be one of the best ones right? I know it's not technically a condiment but it's used as one on burgers sometimes, and I'm ok with that.

I graduated from Olympus High School in Salt Lake City and during my time there Crown Burger was THE place to get a burger. Admittedly, I didn't really go there much. I think, counting this last week, I've been three times. There was always a running argument about whether Crown Burger was better than Apollo Burger, OHS students tended to favor Crown Burger, but I'm here to tell all of you that they are the same. Not similar, they are the exact same restaurant.
One has a name that aptly solidifies its identity as a burger restaurant with a tendency to lean toward the Greek persuasion and the other has a name that I'm sure was an attempt to fool dimwits into thinking they were Burger King. Are the two twin restaurants rivals? I have no idea, probably. But they are literally the exact same. Same menu, same signature pastrami burger, same 'vibe', same price, same individually wrapped baklava next to the register, same everything. This post will focus on my experience at Crown Burger but just know that I ate at both places for a fair and scientific comparison and the names of the restaurants are interchangeable for this blog's purposes. (Also, Astro Burger and Burger Supreme, I am told, are the same restaurant as well and possibly owned by the same family. But that's just word on the street)

We chose to go to the 33rd and State Street location and were surprised to find that we had accidentally entered an Olive Garden, wait. . . no. It actually was Crown Burger, but the inside was recently redesigned in a very Olive Gardeny way which gave off a very . . . not-a-burger-place vibe.
Crown Burger, as stated before, is a burger place (der!) yet they have a huge menu and also serve very Greekish stuff. I hear their gyros are good but I can't vouch for that. When given the choice between a lightly seasoned Greek taco or a fatty American burger, yeah, burger every time.
Their acclaimed Crown Burger is a burger with delicious pastrami on it. The burger was good, a bit dry but good. Without the amazing pastrami it wouldn't have impressed me much if at all. Also, their fry sauce had some weird sweet aftertaste. It put me off and I couldn't enjoy it. My wife loved it though and called me crazy. I'm just of the opinion that savory and sweet should only rarely cross paths. Savory should be savory and sweet should be sweet, but that's just me.
My verdict is that this restaurant is confused about its own identity. Their menu goes from burgers to rice (rice? It really weirded me out to see rice on the menu of a burger place. . .) to souvlaki to gyros and they even serve a rib eye steak for $10. . . I mean, their sign says Crown Burger, but their menu is so diverse that it's kind of scary. I could be completely wrong about my fear, especially since I know that this place has a large and loyal following. I'm afraid to try their rib eye steak though but now I just might have to try it, just to see. Anyone out there ever tried it?
To me, the smaller a menu the better. If you're going to be a burger place BE a burger place. At any rate the burger was good, not great, and they must be doing something right because after all these years it's still here and still loved by the community.
I'm willing to hear any arguements as to which burger place is better, Apollo or Crown. But again, as for me, my taste buds, and my experience they are exactly the same.

The Butter Burger

Try an activity with me. Say the words 'butter' and  'burger' as if they are one word together. Now call attention to your saliva glands. If you are like me at all they instantly opened their flood gates. Something about a Butterburger just sounds amazing. I recently visited Culver's whose claim to fame is the aforementioned Butterburger.
Before I begin my short story I must apologize to my amazing wife who receives the brunt of my teasing, I probably tease her too much on this little blog of mine. It's not that she is easy to make fun of, it's that she is the only person I hang out with. So it's either her or me . . . chock it up as one of the many disadvantages of being married to me. So, Whitney, I'm sorry, buuuuut . . .

My wife announced to me on our way home from St. George (for those of you who are unaware, a trip from St. George to Salt Lake is roughly 4-5 hours on the freeway, a long haul) that she was starving and wanted to stop for dinner. I replied saying that if we're going to stop to eat somewhere we should find a good burger place nearby and try it out so that I can write an amazing, informative, and clever blog post about it. However, we were on the freeway, half way home, literally in the middle of nowhere. If you are familiar with this particular route, then you know that there is absolutely nothing exciting about this stretch of nothing unless you count the Dairy Queen/Texaco in Scipio, and I don't.

We could have stopped at Dairy Queen, I have nothing against that particular restaurant, there is nothing bad about Dairy Queen but I've never been wowed by much of anything there except their pumpkin pie blizzards, which are amazing. So Itell my wife that if she can just wait until Lehi we can eat at the famous Culver's I've heard so much about. You must understand that my wife's happy moods are directly correlated with the amount of calories in her system. If her 'tank' is full she is among the happiest of campers. If her tank is 1/4 of the way full or below we are in what I call the danger zone.

I did my best not to speak too loudly or at all and was careful not to make too many quick movements the rest of the way to Lehi as her tank began running on fumes. All the strategies I have learned over the years.
An hour or so later we arrive in Lehi with only a  few casualties, luckily, and we settled in for a good buttery burger. We both ordered their bacon Butterburger (there go my saliva glands again) and crinkle fries.
All I know about Culver's is that they butter their buns. . . That doesn't seem like much to me but I have heard nothing but good reviews about them. As we ate, our bellies filled and my wife's naturally pleasant demeanor returned moments before she would have either withered away or erupted.
Was my burger buttery? Yes, actually it was. The butter just added to savory burger and its juiciness. A very very good burger. And this is one of the few restaurants that only served their burgers with real cheddar cheese, no American. The purist in me tips my hat to them for that.
However, I do have one complaint. Their bacon. Yes, it is possible to complain about bacon. Their bacon is flavorless, worse than the precooked stuff at McDonald's. I paid a good dollar or more for it and it added nothing to the burger at all. My advice, when you go to Culver's save your money, buy a regular cheddar butterburger and spend your extra dollar on their frozen custard, which is delicious.

P.S. Custard beats yogurt in a fight any day of the week and twice on Sunday. Also, I just found out that Culver's is now serving a pumpkin pie shake made from their frozen custard. . . Must try. If any of you have tried it let me know if it's any good. I've been burned in the past. I won't name any names but there is a fast food restaurant whose name rhymes with 'farctic pircle' whose pumpkin pie shake (if you can call it that) tastes more like a spoonfull of nutmeg and artificially flavored syrup.

Macaroni Burger??

We invited a couple to go out to dinner with us a while ago and they requested that I take them to a burger joint. I was honored that they regarded my opinion enough to think that my burger snobbery would lead them to a great experience. Also, I was honored that they actually read my blog especially after I offended them with my very controversial stance on pickles. Yes, I have friends who love pickles in their food and chances are that someone you know and love are pickle lovers as well. Tolerance.

I had three burger places in mind that have continually been brought up by friends of ours. I knew very little about them except that they were all bars that supposedly made great burgers. I offered all three options to Ryan and Emilee and immediately had all three choices shut down by said friends. Emilee claimed she was what doctors call 'pregnant' and didn't want to be around second hand smoke bla bla bla. Like cigarettes ever killed anyone. We then resorted to perusing yelp.com for well rated restaurants and decided on Rich's Burgers and Grub which is a little place in the heart of downtown Salt Lake City and one of the few burger places I had never heard of. 

If this place is anything it is creative. They make a macaroni and cheese burger. . . Need I say more? Creativity is great and all but it is also dangerous as hell. Creativity can go from a delicious garlic burgers to a vile Hawaiian pineapple burgers before you can say "no pickles". Both are creative, however, one is a delight the other an atrocity. Needless to say I was timid around all this creativity. We all ordered something different; Emilee got the artichoke heart burger, Ryan the bleu cheese, Whitney the macaroni and cheese, and me the simple bacon cheeseburger. 

As you can tell Rich's Burgers and Grub has a vast and diverse menu. My friends are great and offered me a bite from each of their burgers which was more than I would have asked for. Each burger was different and each was delicious. All that creativity was done wisely and paid off. If I had to rank them from most delicious to least I would rank them from the creamy and smooth macaroni and cheese burger to the simple but great bacon cheeseburger to the powerful bleu cheese burger to the tangy artichoke heart burger. But again, all of them were very good. AND all of them are served with the pickles on the side, now that's just plain courteous. Their fries looked amazing and sounded good on paper, what with all the spices and Parmesan cheese, but in the end they were just ok. Sometimes less is more, and I think in this case it is true with their fries. Their fried green beans were very good, however.

 All in all, for just finding this place without ever having it suggested it was a very good experience. They are a bit pricey, but I have learned from doing this blog that you usually get what you pay for. Usually. Highly recommend Rich's to anyone and I hope to go back soon to try some of their other menu options.

Salt City Burger

Exactly what Salt Lake needs, a burger company to put us on the map. I believe that is the goal at Salt City Burger Co.This place is a bit different than other burger places. Every burger comes to you with absolutely no condiments at all. Instead there is an enormous salad bar filled with onions, mayo, ketchup, tomatoes, lettuce, mustard, etc. . . The idea, I imagine, is that you get the condiments you want and no extra , let's say just for example purposes. . . pickles! That may or may not ruin your burger. The idea of this sounded really good to me. Get the burger you want and if it sucks the restaurant is only half to blame if at all right? Genius. I see a flaw in the system however. Humans have this problem that when they see free topping anywhere they just get a little of everything because hey, it's free and you want to get your money's worth. Like a supreme pizza, they're fine but it really just ends up being a green pepper pizza in the end. . . Am I right? All the toppings does not mean a better pizza or burger for that matter. My wife and I seemed to be some of the few humans who have learned this. The other flaw with this condiment bar idea is the tomatoes. I love tomatoes on my burgers, but . . . I mean, I am aware that not everyone is blessed with a tomato garden in their backyard like I am, least of all burger restaurants. We all know that there is a VAST difference between store-bought tomatoes and freshly grown tomatoes and I even accept that if I go out to eat anywhere I will have to settle for the far inferior store-bought tomatoes. I get it, it's just the way it is. But if you are going to put them on display in a giant tub can you at least buy them when they are red and not when they are pinkish orange? What a disappointment to walk up to their tub of pre-sliced tomatoes and mistake them for sliced orange wheels. I like it better when they just hide it under my bun so I didn't have to begrudgingly put in on my burger. And the tomatoes were kind of crunchy, not good. Anyway back to condiments in general. What did I get on my burger you ask? A dab (a small dab) of ketchup a dab (a bigger dab) of mustard, mayo, onions, 2 orange crunchy tomato slices (two because they were about the size of a silver dollar), lettuce, and pepper. That is my usual list on my typical burger minus the orange and crunchy parts.
Remember when I described the tomatoes as 'not good'. Not good is a good way to describe my entire experience there. To me this is a place that is seemingly doing everything right, yet they still fail somehow. The environment was cool and the service was good though a bit on the slow side but the food was just 'meh. I ordered the Smokehouse Bacon Bleu Burger. Now, this particular burger was special and different from their normal bacon burger because the bacon was infused into the burger itself. That ALWAYS gets me, I'm such a sucker. I can't help it, it just sounds so good! But it was not. How can a bacon infused burger end up dry and bland? How? I don't know but it was. The best part was their bleu cheese, that was about all the flavor I got the entire meal. The buns look homemade and they were amazing. The onion rings were fine and the fries were fine too, nothing wrong with them but nothing to brag about either. So there you go, one of my least favorite experiences yet. I would be willing to give them a second chance but we are not speaking to each other until I can get over it. Disappointed at the end of the meal, we ordered a homemade cookie with ice cream on top just so we wouldn't end on a bad note. Aaaaaaaaand it was worse than the burger. only the outer edges were done. Maybe I caught them on a bad day, I don't know. Some of you should go try them for me and see if your experience is any better than mine. Let me know if they deserve a shot at redemption.

Burger at the Bar

Most bars are not known for their food. I do not drink and I never go to bars, but even I know that you shouldn't eat from the bowl of pretzels on the bar. Who knows where the hands that have touched them have been? But hark, there is at least one exception to the don't-eat-the-food-at-bars rule. That exception is The Cotton Bottom which is aptly located at the bottom of the cottonwood canyons. This bar is old and from what I can see hasn't had a paint job since . . . ever.

Remember when I said I never go to bars. I really really meant that I never ever go to bars. It's just not me. But people at my wife's work have recommended this place over and over again. I have no problem going to a bar, I know I'm an adult. But I really have no idea how to behave in one. I don't know the dress code, I don't drive a motor cycle, I've never been in a fight, my press on tattoo is already rubbing away, I don't think I could break a pool cue over my knee, I like sleeves on my shirts, and my wife said no when I suggested she wear a tube top and heels. I do, however, own a red bandanna, but I grow a pretty sissy beard and an even sissier mustache. What is a clean cut Mormon couple to do? We decided to just wing it.
I was sure I would stick out as a sore thumb in that place but nobody seemed to notice us. Well, not until we couldn't seem to find the entrance, some nice bikers pointed us toward the door. The door was a jimmy rigged piece of painted wood and we had to walk through the kitchen to get inside. When we finally did get inside we decided we didn't like second hand smoke so much so we ate outside on one of the picnic tables.
The Cotton Bottom has one cook, one waitress, and just one food item on the menu; just cheeseburgers. They don't even serve fries. When the lovely waitress saw us we ordered a pitcher of Pepsi, because we like the hard stuff, and she just said "2 cheeseburgers?" Yes ma'am, that was easy.
The burgers are huge and the pickles are served on the side, ON THE SIDE. Thank you! Finally someone gets it. Pickles have about a 50% satisfaction rate and the customer should not have them forced on them. Bonus points for you Cotton Bottom. Do you like garlic? You had better hope so if you plan on going to The Cotton Bottom. They are very garlic-y but not annoyingly so. However, plan on garlic burps for a day or two. The bun is, I think, a cut off section of a very large deli bun. Very sponge-y, unlike any burger bun you have likely tried and very good. A very simple but delicious burger that needed very little to no condiments to enhance it. The outdoor patio was a cool environment, so much so that we stayed 30 minutes after we finished our food to just sit, talk and enjoy the evening under the pine trees.
If you want a unique experience and a delicious burger with a twist I would highly recommend The Cotton Bottom. And turns out you don't need a bandanna or denim vest to get in, but it wouldn't hurt either.

Ketchup vs Mustard

Ketchup and Mustard could not be more different, but one is far superior to the other. But first a little lesson on flavor. I'm no expert, but from my experience there are three types of flavors in this world:
1) Blender flavors - these flavors give subtle tastes that by nature neither bring out flavor nor mask it, like mushrooms or vanilla for instance. They blend with the other flavors and if done right the blend make for a more enjoyable flavor overall. It should be noted that not all flavors jive with all other flavors, like corn dogs and chocolate pudding or pineapple mixed with any other flavor.
2) Dominator flavors - these flavors do not blend nor do they enhance flavors, they dominate them, i.e. bananas. Ever had a strawberry-banana smoothie? It was probably more of a strawberry-BANANA smoothie.

The banana, unless proportioned just right, will overpower anything it touches. Case in point, my mom once left a few bananas in the same cupboard as a sealed bag of potato chips for a week or so. Then, when said bag of chips was opened the chips tasted like salty banana shaving. (note to self, Salty Banana Shavings is an great idea for a band name). Dominator flavors are not bad they just need to be used in small doses. Many people think that good tasting dominator flavors should be piled on your food because, hey they taste good and more equals better right? Not so, unless you hate the flavor of your food and want to mask it entirely. Please note that nearly any flavor can be a dominater flavor if used in excess.
3) Enhancer flavors - these flavors bring out flavors that are in the background. Salt is a good example of an enhancer flavor. Ever gotten horseradish with your prime rib? That stuff is potent! Most people brush it off to the side and cannot understand why anyone would eat that stuff on purpose. But if used in small amounts the flavor of your steak goes from volume 5 to volume 11 with a subtle horseradish taste in the background. Onions have the same effect. In exess these flavors will ruin you, RUIN you! But if done right, that delicious taste you love is even more present.

If you know me at all you know exactly where this is going and all you ketchup lovers are just waiting for me to badmouth your precious tomato gravy so that you can hunt me down. Now now, no need to get violent. Let the record show that I like ketchup. I do. . . However, it is highly over-rated. I have a rather long list of things that are over-rated but I'll only share this one with you. Ketchup. Ketchup is a dominator flavor. If used in excess your food will not taste better, it will just taste more like ketchup. My theory with ketchup is that it was invented to get kids to eat stuff. Think about it. Next time you taste ketchup just try to taste how much sugar is in it. It is sooo sweet, no wonder kids douse their chicken nuggets in the stuff. It's time to grow up and start acting like adults and realize that dumping tons of over sweetened tomato snot on your food doesn't actually make it taste very good. And instead of enhancing flavors it covers them up. So plain and simple if you hate the taste of burgers then please, douse it in ketchup. If not then a small nickel sized dollop of it on a burger is all you need, if that. If I add ketchup to my burger its only because it is dry or there are no tomatoes present.
Mustard on the other hand is an enhancer flavor. Love the way your bratwurst tastes? Would you like more of that delicious taste? Try just a dab of mustard on that sausage and BOOM! More delicious bratwurst flavor. I can no longer eat hot dogs with ketchup, and if I do it is litterally a dab that gets spread on my bun until it is little more than a pink smudge. But I put a lot of mustard on that thing to up the flavor scale. Would you ever put tomatoes on your hot dog? Would you ever put sugar on your hot dog? Probably not, then don't do it ever again and you'll be all the happier for it. And that's a guarantee. This is another reason why I love the Wayne Burger at Scaddy's. They use a healthy portion of mustard and just a smidge of ketchup, the result is a balanced but powerful flavor profile and a juicy burger.

Where is Apple Valley?

Ever been to Apple Valley, Utah? I'm guessing no. I don't know why anyone would want to go there. I had no reason to either, at least I didn't until an anonymous tip suggested that there are good burgers there. If that photo looks like Chevron out in the middle of the desert, it is. That is also where the supposed 'amazing burgers' are made. . .


Apple valley is the only real stop between the red desert in Hurricane and the polygamists in Colorado City. It has a population of about 700 people and only has one gas station, one restaurant, and one grocery store. Oh and all three of those places inhabit one roof. Oh and actually it's more of a gas station that sells milk in gallon jugs that also has a burger grill tucked in the corner.

 The town is so small the people just drive their four wheelers to 'the store'. (look in the photo real close if you don't believe me).
There was no one in the place but the two young girls who were manning the cash register when we entered the place and headed toward the corner with the grill in it. One of the girls left her post, put on an apron and fired up the grill when she saw us eyeing the menu. The menu was awesome, it was awesome enough to take a picture of.

Notice a theme on the menu? All their dishes are named after some sort of gun or caliber. My kind of restaurant! I ordered the Daringer with side of 22 calibers, which in layman's terms means a bacon cheeseburger with fries. Then she gave me a ticket and told me I could pay the other girl for it at the cash register along with any gas I pumped. Again, my kind of place.
What attracted me to this place in the first place was that someone told me about a friend of theirs who lived in St. George who had a monthly ritual in which he would drive 32 miles out of his way to Little Creek Food Court in Apple Valley, eat his favorite burger and then drive back the way he came and get his hair cut at his favorite barber shop in Hurricane. I figured the burgers must be good after hearing that story. Turns out that Mr. haircut guy was right, for a weird gas station/burger joint, they make a tasty burger.

Their burgers are about what you would expect at a place like this. Simple and greasy. But aint nothin' wrong with that. A very good burger. Look at that photo that's real meat, real bread, real bacon and real cheddar cheese. No one uses real cheese any more.
This is tough though, I really want to encourage all of you to go try their burgers but I am positive that 95% of you will have no reason to go to Apple Valley because it is out in the sticks, literally. That is unless you're thinking of converting to polygamy, I won't judge. Because if you are, hit this place up on your way to Colorado City. Or if you are headed to St. George and you have some free time, Apple Valley would be a worthwhile excursion. Any suggestions where I should go next? There's nowhere I won't go. Ok, that's not true but if I'm willing to go to bizarre off-the-map places like Apple Valley, your chances are pretty good.