Pickles, who's brilliant idea was this?

Have you ever bitten into a burger and thought, "This burger would be so much better if only there were pickles on it."? No, no you have not.
I have a theory about pickles. 

Back during the civil war there were two nemesis chefs who were developing a new sandwich. Their names were Cecil and Eugene, I'm sure. Cecil's ground beef sandwich couldn't be beat, but along came Eugene to compete. Eugene would add another topping to the burger to set his apart from Cecil's and then Cecil, not to be out-done, would add another. So we started with a patty on bread and then Cecil added lettuce, then Eugene added a tomato then mayo, cheese, ketchup, mustard . . . etc. Then when there was absolutely nothing left in either of their arsenals one of them found a jar of great grandma Petunia's dill pickles from 1894 and thought, "What the hell, I've put everything else on this burger." Up until that point the burger and it's condiments were subtle savory flavors that mixed into a masterpiece on your taste buds. When the pickle was finally introduced it threw the delicate balance off and that, THAT, was the beginning of the end for the burger.

Yes, I said it, I blame you Mr. Pickle. You are the reason the burger is not respected in this society and as far as I'm concerned you can just pack your bags and leave, you're no longer wanted. You add no value and you don't belong. That's right, you're like skim milk or those Hanz and Franz radio commercials. You know the ones, the commercials with the guys with horrible Austrian accents trying to promote some business, nobody likes you and we actually avoid whatever it is you are involved with, but for  reasons that no one can explain you're still just . . . there.

Now don't get me wrong, I like pickles, everybody does. They just don't belong IN things as an ingredient. Alone, they're great. On a burger or anywhere else for that matter, no, get out of my house.
I don't understand how they became a burger staple but it was either added on when there were no other possible additives to choose from or it was put on a burger once as a joke and just never went away. What a horrible idea. And now, we lemmings always include them as an option and no one except the depression babies actually put them on their burgers by choice.
This must end.
Pickles are to burgers what raisins are to trail mix. An ingredient that no one likes but that no one will take away simply for traditional purposes.
No, no more. From now on I order my burgers without pickles thank you very much. Join me lemmings, break away and choose superior taste over the blind traditions of your fathers.