Where is Apple Valley?

Ever been to Apple Valley, Utah? I'm guessing no. I don't know why anyone would want to go there. I had no reason to either, at least I didn't until an anonymous tip suggested that there are good burgers there. If that photo looks like Chevron out in the middle of the desert, it is. That is also where the supposed 'amazing burgers' are made. . .


Apple valley is the only real stop between the red desert in Hurricane and the polygamists in Colorado City. It has a population of about 700 people and only has one gas station, one restaurant, and one grocery store. Oh and all three of those places inhabit one roof. Oh and actually it's more of a gas station that sells milk in gallon jugs that also has a burger grill tucked in the corner.

 The town is so small the people just drive their four wheelers to 'the store'. (look in the photo real close if you don't believe me).
There was no one in the place but the two young girls who were manning the cash register when we entered the place and headed toward the corner with the grill in it. One of the girls left her post, put on an apron and fired up the grill when she saw us eyeing the menu. The menu was awesome, it was awesome enough to take a picture of.

Notice a theme on the menu? All their dishes are named after some sort of gun or caliber. My kind of restaurant! I ordered the Daringer with side of 22 calibers, which in layman's terms means a bacon cheeseburger with fries. Then she gave me a ticket and told me I could pay the other girl for it at the cash register along with any gas I pumped. Again, my kind of place.
What attracted me to this place in the first place was that someone told me about a friend of theirs who lived in St. George who had a monthly ritual in which he would drive 32 miles out of his way to Little Creek Food Court in Apple Valley, eat his favorite burger and then drive back the way he came and get his hair cut at his favorite barber shop in Hurricane. I figured the burgers must be good after hearing that story. Turns out that Mr. haircut guy was right, for a weird gas station/burger joint, they make a tasty burger.

Their burgers are about what you would expect at a place like this. Simple and greasy. But aint nothin' wrong with that. A very good burger. Look at that photo that's real meat, real bread, real bacon and real cheddar cheese. No one uses real cheese any more.
This is tough though, I really want to encourage all of you to go try their burgers but I am positive that 95% of you will have no reason to go to Apple Valley because it is out in the sticks, literally. That is unless you're thinking of converting to polygamy, I won't judge. Because if you are, hit this place up on your way to Colorado City. Or if you are headed to St. George and you have some free time, Apple Valley would be a worthwhile excursion. Any suggestions where I should go next? There's nowhere I won't go. Ok, that's not true but if I'm willing to go to bizarre off-the-map places like Apple Valley, your chances are pretty good.

The Black Bear

My wife and I spent a week in southern Utah and made the most of it by eating burgers almost every night. Bless my beautiful wife, she is sick to death of burgers now. I don't really blame her, I understand that not everyone is as passionate about burgers as I am. It has gotten to the point that when we go out to eat she  makes sure that she orders the most non-burgery thing on the menu. Her loss as far as I'm concerned, but luckily for me I'm not so easily bored. Every burger I try is different and I see it as a new opportunity and usually I enjoy every one I try. Obviously there are some that are better than others. Why else would we be here talking about this? Anyway, after eating what seemed like dozens of burgers we went home to Salt Lake and I promised my wife, I took her lovely face in my strong manly yet gentle hands and I looked deep into her eyes and said "My love, I promise to take a break from burgers for a while."

Mr. Universe (aka the man upstairs) had other plans. At least I see it as divine intervention. Minutes after assuring my wife that I would abstain from burger my parents were calling, inviting us to dinner at a new place they had found that made great comfort food. Black Bear Cafe. We couldn't say no.
Silently I promised myself that out of respect for my wife I would keep my promise and order something other than a burger. But again, Mr. Universe intervened, He had other plans. I had chosen pancakes, but then I decided that I could at least take the tiniest of peeks at the burger section of the menu. Lo and behold it came to pass that thus the menu containeth a bacon and cheese stuffed (STUFFED) burger. It was then I looked at my wife and said, "Forgive me, I am weak."
Sadly, after all of that the burger was just ok. A little bit of false advertising if you ask me. It wasn't so much stuffed as it was just two patties laid on top of each other with bacon and cheese in between them on a bun that looked like Walmart special quality. I expected more, much more.

The dinner wasn't a complete bust however. My wife couldn't finish her pancakes so I took them off her hands. They were delicious! Their pancakes taste like . . . cake. I definitely should have stuck with my original choice. Thick fluffy cakes cooked on a pan to perfection. Seriously folks, go to Black Bear Cafe, skip the burger and get their pancakes and you will avoid being disappointed like I was.
It must not have been divine intervention that prompted me to order a burger. But if that's true, then who has been prompting me to go eat burgers? . . . Could this very blog be a creation of that fallen star Lucifer himself, with me as his messenger?
Regardless I am too far gone, there is no saving me at this point. If burgers are wrong I don't want to be right.
               

Oscar's

Just outside the entrance to Zions National Park is a very small town called Springdale. The occupants of said town appear be a hybrid of hippies and yuppies, let's just call them hyippies. Also, I don't know how this is relevant and I'm not sure if it's a deterrent or an incentive but from what I saw the women in Springdale don't wear underwear, though I'm not sure the men do either. I'm not really sure how our group knew this but we all came to this same conclusion. For some reason it seemed weird that they didn't wear underwear even in the heat, I don't blame them really, I would probably do the same if I lived in the scalding heat, but it was a distraction nonetheless. Good or bad I don't know. Take that for what it's worth. Anyway, in this town full of hyippies is a small restaurant called Oscar's that is violently loved by its customers. Everyone who loves Oscar's LOOOOOOVES Oscars and after my first visit I can see why. Oscar's make enormous portions of delectable food.
My wife and I double-dated with friends of ours, Ben & Tiffany. When I arrived I asked to be seated inside to get out of the 115 degree heat that comes with the summers at Zion National Park only to realize that either the AC wasn't working properly or so many people were packed in the place that the combined body heat was too much for the AC to handle. But it's funny how when you're with good people and eating good food how you just kind of get used to the heat and forget it. Either that or dehydration and heat stroke had kicked in.

Look at this burger, look at it. seriously take a minute. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Isn't it beautiful? I ordered the Big Ass Murder Burger. That is the actual name, it is fitting and appropriate. It's a one pound burger (yes, one pound) on a homemade bun with all the trimmings including bacon and excluding pickles. I was so excited to eat the thing that I had to forgive my friends who, for now, are still my friends even though Ben ordered the Whoop Ass Burger with pineapple (yuck) and Tiffany ordered the bacon cheeseburger (AKA murder burger) without the bacon . . . . I know, I don't understand it either. I have weird friends. While I was busy disowning them and cursing their unborn children the waitress left and I missed the opportunity to ask her to give me Tiffany's bacon from her burger.
This burger had to be attacked, she was tough and she put up a big fight but in the end I won. In fact, I even had room to help my wife finish her rack of ribs. If I do anything well it is eating.
I was worried that Oscar's would only be a novelty location. A place that served lots of food that was 'just ok'. But I found that the food was very good as well as being served in large quantities. However, the big portions and delicious food come with a price tag to match.

The verdict? It was a very good burger. And it had better be at $16. It was more of an experience and a novelty than anything but it was very very good. The best I've ever had? No, but very good. I'm not sure where it would rank but it's up there. I'm not even sure it would qualify for my list really, I mean it was a one pound burger. . . .
So if you can stand the heat and are willing to wade through the sea of tourists and 'hanging-free' hyippies then go to Oscar's and try I Big Ass Burger for me.

Pineapple, the disturbing new trend.

Dear Pineapple,
I don't need your help, you're just making things worse.

Sincerely,
Food of the world


Ok, ok everyone calm down, this is a blog of my opinions, OPINIONS. (I have to start this post like this because I have noticed some people get very passionate about condiments and fruit. But oddly no one is passionate about passion fruit. . .) How many pizza's, jellos, and frog eye salads (it's a Utah thing, look it up) have been ruined by this otherwise heavenly fruit? 
Let's be crystal clear. I love pineapple, it is possibly the most delicious of all fruit. I believe that, alone, pineapple is a blessed fruit invented by our Creator with the sole purpose to bring us joy. . . Alone. . . Only alone and not as an ingredient in other foods. Lobster is also delicious but you don't see me adding it to my apple pie. That would do nothing but ruin a food that needed no such help in the first place.
Alone pineapple is bliss to the palate but when it is diced and thrown into recipes that are not in need of reinvention it is diabolical. I know many of you claim to enjoy pineapple pizza. To you people I say: No you don't and you are wrong.
I think people are confusing themselves. The pizza is delicious and the pineapple is delicious, but these people just somehow judge them separately rather than how they taste together. The texture and the taste do not jive. The last thing warm, savory, gooey, crunchy pizza needs is an over-sweet, wet, leaking, fibrous lump of magma-hot fruit that has been in a tin can since the cold war. I don't understand how it keeps making the cut and showing up on menu's roster every year. That is disturbing enough but now there is an even more offensive trend developing in the culinary world: Pineapple on burgers.
WHY!!!!!!

To this I say, beam me up Scotty because I don't want to live on this planet any more.
At this point you could read my pickle post and essentially replace the word 'pickle' with pineapple and you would get an essence of how I feel about it.
I don't care how Hawaiian the name of the burger is or how much teriyaki you douse it with, the pineapple doesn't belong.
A few years back I was having one of those weeks, you know the kind. I was just tired of dealing with people and needed some time for myself. My wife left town for some reason leaving me alone and I decided to cheat on our diet a bit and go to Carl's Jr. I found a coupon for buy 1 get 1 free teriyaki burger so I got two identical burgers . . . to eat alone. Now that I remember this story I am realizing I must have been in a deep depression because rather than go home and eat my food I drove to a cemetery and ate it on a bench among the dead. Not sure why, I probably didn't want to eat it at my empty house but didn't want to be surrounded by living people at the nearby park either so logically the cemetery made sense at the time. Anyway, I ate the first burger without even thinking, or tasting for that matter. Then when I started on the second I got about three bites in when I realized that I did not like this combination at all. The flavor and textures just contradicted each other. Way to end an already crappy week right? I couldn't even enjoy one thing that week, not even surrounded by dead people, man when it rains it pours.
The hatred I harbor for the pineapple in my food is different than that I have toward the pickle. My reaction to pickles on my burger is annoyance and anger. My reaction to pineapples on my burger is to bow my head, turn and slowly walk away as a near constant stream of tears fall from my cheeks. The idea that people think that this is a good idea breaks my heart. When will the hurting stop?
That is all I have to say on the matter, I can't talk about it anymore. I need a break and possibly a good long cry. Maybe there's a cemetery nearby or at least a morgue where I can be at peace with myself.

Just be aware that, while I love getting restaurant suggestions from you, my loyal readers, if I walk into a burger joint and there is, anywhere on the menu, a burger with any amount of pineapple on it I will walk out. I'll then get in my car and sob until I reach Scaddy's to be comforted in the warm embrace of the Wayne Burger. Wayne understands me like no one else does.

Make it a Habit . . . Burger.

A couple of weeks ago facebook exploded with posts like "Finally, a Habit Burger in Salt Lake!" or "Habit Burger! Om nom nom." or "I love Habit Burger so much I wanna move to Colorado City and make it my second wife!" Stuff like that. I happened to be the one guy on facebook who hadn't ever heard of the place so I followed the crowd as I always do and decided to try them next.
To start, future patrons should be aware that there is a lot of construction going on in front of the restaurant where they are digging up the street nearby. After ordering and while we waited for our number to be called my wife decided she wanted to sit at a table on the outside patio because the weather was perfect. But as we sat I kept catching a whiff of something gross. I asked her if she smelled it and she sniffed at the air a few times and said she thought maybe she did but wasn't sure so at my request she was gracious enough to let us move inside. I thought it smelled like the Great Salt Lake, because if you're familiar with the infamous lake you know that it has a certain. . . aroma, it wasn't strong but it was there. However, no one else seemed to mind it. I have been told that I have a sensitive nose, so maybe it I was the only one that noticed. Later, when we left we decided it was most likely the sewer pipes that they were digging up in the street rather than the lake because the lake is not nearby and I've never caught a whiff of it while in the city in the past. Now, that sounds worse than it actually was and this shouldn't be a deterrent to any of you. I don't blame them for the construction but I would tell people to go get a delicious burger at Habit and eat it inside. Until the construction is finished that is, unless you don't seem to notice the smell which you probably won't.

Also, how bad is it that we confuse sewage smell for what our famous lake smells like? My wife and I went to an amazing concert at Saltair which is on the shore of the Great Salt Lake last summer and it reeked so bad that it was all anyone was talking about, but after 10 minutes it didn't bother us or anyone else anymore. I don't know what that says about us, but . . . I wonder why business is faltering at the concert venue located next to that lake who's smell is often mistaken for literal ass. We may never know. . .
Ok back on subject, so Habit Burger focuses on charred meat and quality ingredients including caramelized onions which were delicious. I ordered the double charburger with cheese combo which came with fries and a drink, all for the great price of about $8. I like the price a lot. My wife betrayed us all and ordered from the sandwich menu, she ordered the tri-tip sandwich with avocado. But I couldn't stay mad at her after I tasted it, it was delicious. In fact, I enjoyed it more than I did my burger.

Don't get me wrong, the burger was good, very good; but the tri-tip sandwich was better. I forgot to order my burger without pickles and had to pick them off by hand. They were big thick slices from huge monster pickles, exactly the kind that should stay away from my burger.
Also, they advertise their toasted buns on the menu and I'm beginning to find a linkage between the quality of burger places and the effort they put into promoting the fact that their buns are toasted. My theory is that the more promotion on their buns' "toastiness" the more likely their food is underwhelming. If you have to advertise the fact that you toast your buns you may be compensating for something. Imagine if Denny's advertised that they served their bread toasted. Yeah, not really an attraction. But this is just a hypothesis at this point and I have yet to test it on every restaurant. (Continue to read my future posts as I try to prove my theory.)
There was something that I absolutely loved about Habit Burger. The fries. They were delicious! They reminded me of McDonald's fries but even better. Now, I know comparing any restaurant to a fast food restaurant is not usually a good thing but in this case it is a big compliment. I don't care how much of a purist you are, you love McDonald's fries. You just do. If you ask any honest person what the best thing about McDonald's is they will say "their breakfast sandwiches" and then if you ask what the second best thing is they will say "the fries!" That probably means that Habit's fries are delivered frozen and are not freshly cut at the restaurant, which is a bit disappointing. But, that aside, the fries were simply amazing, delicious, better than McDonalds and the crispiest I've ever tasted. I LOVED THE FRIES! (also, did you hear McDonalds is serving breakfast starting at midnight now? It's about time! Now if only they served it all day long I might actually eat there every once in a while.)
To put it delicately Habit Burger was very good but it didn't own up to the hubbub that I have heard about it, at least as far as tastiness goes, except of course for the fries. Did I mention the fries were amazing? And its toasted-bun-promoting is a bit on the heavy side, so take that for what its worth. But, (and there is a big big BUT) as far as this blog is concerned, they are the best burger for your buck. A very good burger, not a great burger like you'll get at Scaddy's and Five Guys, but Habit Burger won't set you back $7 a burger unless you order fries and a drink. So for that, I approve and so should you.

Pickles, who's brilliant idea was this?

Have you ever bitten into a burger and thought, "This burger would be so much better if only there were pickles on it."? No, no you have not.
I have a theory about pickles. 

Back during the civil war there were two nemesis chefs who were developing a new sandwich. Their names were Cecil and Eugene, I'm sure. Cecil's ground beef sandwich couldn't be beat, but along came Eugene to compete. Eugene would add another topping to the burger to set his apart from Cecil's and then Cecil, not to be out-done, would add another. So we started with a patty on bread and then Cecil added lettuce, then Eugene added a tomato then mayo, cheese, ketchup, mustard . . . etc. Then when there was absolutely nothing left in either of their arsenals one of them found a jar of great grandma Petunia's dill pickles from 1894 and thought, "What the hell, I've put everything else on this burger." Up until that point the burger and it's condiments were subtle savory flavors that mixed into a masterpiece on your taste buds. When the pickle was finally introduced it threw the delicate balance off and that, THAT, was the beginning of the end for the burger.

Yes, I said it, I blame you Mr. Pickle. You are the reason the burger is not respected in this society and as far as I'm concerned you can just pack your bags and leave, you're no longer wanted. You add no value and you don't belong. That's right, you're like skim milk or those Hanz and Franz radio commercials. You know the ones, the commercials with the guys with horrible Austrian accents trying to promote some business, nobody likes you and we actually avoid whatever it is you are involved with, but for  reasons that no one can explain you're still just . . . there.

Now don't get me wrong, I like pickles, everybody does. They just don't belong IN things as an ingredient. Alone, they're great. On a burger or anywhere else for that matter, no, get out of my house.
I don't understand how they became a burger staple but it was either added on when there were no other possible additives to choose from or it was put on a burger once as a joke and just never went away. What a horrible idea. And now, we lemmings always include them as an option and no one except the depression babies actually put them on their burgers by choice.
This must end.
Pickles are to burgers what raisins are to trail mix. An ingredient that no one likes but that no one will take away simply for traditional purposes.
No, no more. From now on I order my burgers without pickles thank you very much. Join me lemmings, break away and choose superior taste over the blind traditions of your fathers.

Five Guys Burgers and Lies

When visiting a Five Guys restaurant one must accept the sloppy beauty of it all from the way they store their pallets of bulk food in the dining area to their food  presentation. I have not heard more hype about any other burger place than I have about Five Guys, except maybe In & Out (whom I have yet to review. Soon.) But it seems, at least from the chatter that I hear, that Five Guys is on course to reach nearly equal awareness. Everyone loves Five Guys, and for good reason.

Five guys serves only a few things on their menu, however, the few things they serve are done nearly to perfection. Also, with every burger or hot dog you order you get all the toppings you want for free. But if you ask me the toppings aren't exactly free. At 7 dollars a burger. . . you're paying for the toppings, no matter what they say.

As you wait for your number to be called be sure to help yourself to complimentary salted peanuts and enjoy the scenery as well which, like I said, is always a bit of a mess, albeit and intentional one. Every Five Guys I've visited likes to store their pallets stacked with 50 pound bags of potatoes and boxes of peanuts in the dining area mixed between the tables and chairs, and no one seems to show any real concern about it or to know why. The giant bags of potatoes and boxes of peanuts look like they might be for sale but I honestly don't know that fact either. My thought is perhaps the first Five Guys restaurant, well before it was a household name, was forced to store their pallets of food in the dining area simply because they didn't have the storage space to store all the stuff in the back. However, with the amount of success and popularity they have now I'm pretty sure this is done more now out of tradition than necessity. But again, no one really knows.

As always, your burger and fries will be served to you in a very unorganized manner in an authentic greasy paper bag. Your fries will be served in a dixie cup but most of them will be scattered at the bottom of the grease bag. If you look closely at our receipt in the photo to the right (that is if you can divert your eye's from my wife's hypnotic gaze and the strange gang sign she's flashing) you can see what we ordered. I ordered the bacon cheeseburger of course because . . . bacon. For toppings I chose mayo, lettuce, tomato, grilled onions, and mushrooms. My wife must have been in a weird mood because out of the array of toppings she had to choose from she picked only grilled onions and ketchup. I tried to tell my wife that rather than getting ketchup on her burger she could simply just empty a sugar packet on a tomato slice but she didn't got for it. (I could go on a tangent about ketchup right now but Ill save that for another post, needless to say I'm not a big fan.) But to be fair it actually tasted pretty good but would have been even better with only the grilled onions and little-to-no ketchup.

The burgers at Five Guys are very very good. If I had to use one adjective to describe them it would be 'juicy'. They don't skimp on toppings and their meat is not lean, no sir not by a long shot. Just the way I like it. But good burgers are never lean, never ever ever. This particular day their bacon was dry and nearly burnt, that was a bit of a disappointment.
When it comes to their peanut oil fried french fries I think they may have been having an off day on this particular Saturday because they were not very good, which shocked me because everyone absolutely raves about their fries and I seem to remember amazing fries the few times I've been there in the past. Not today though, and now I am confused as to whether or not my memory serves me right or if I've just been fooling myself and following the crowd. This less than great experience with their fries is why I refer to them as 'lies' in the title. . . Get it? I thought it was clever anyway. As you can see from the photo below, their fries were SOGGY, and as we all know I like my fries on the crispy side. I know this fry review will cause a bit of a scandal among loyal Five Guys patrons because everyone loves their fries, but like I said, it may have been an off day. That, or they've been fooling us all. 

(Yes, if you noticed, I am missing part of my little finger, it does not affect my burger-ing though I swear.)

I know a lot of critics like to give purely objective reviews and don't like to compare one establishment to another but the purpose of this blog is to find the best burger after all so I'll keep a running score. First of all, Scaddy's bacon is never crunchy or burnt and the Wayne burger is bigger than Five Guy's so you get more bang for your 7 bucks and I have to say, I think the Wayne burger tastes a bit better too even without all the extra trimmings, but it's real close. Also, I am not a stickler on food presentation especially when it comes to burgers, but if it were a beauty contest Scaddy's would win hands down. 

When it comes to the fries it's hard to say, but based on my unforgivably soggy experience at Five Guys I'd have to give the trophy to Scaddy's as well. I can taste the potential of the Five Guys fries and I think they beat Scaddy's on seasoning but I just can't excuse the sogginess. But I'll be sure to try Five guy's again at a different location to see if this was a fluke or not.